Normal everyday curiosity...

I was just given the best giggle I've had in a long time. Walking back home from a couple hours of focusing and writing at, yes...Starbucks, I found myself walking behind what appeared to be a five year old girl, her mother or nanny and a little boy around...maybe two. I could hear lots of questions being raised by the little girl and the woman answering her patiently as we all continued our jaunt. She was asking about stores, about the Swedish Museum we had just passed, about the cars and things on the sidewalk etc. I was drawn to this, mostly because I raised two little girls and a little boy who were always full of questions and observations and also because it just made me happy to see and hear such loveliness. A nice reminder of days gone by.

We had just passed a few bars with people standing outside smoking, she said nothing, just walked and then we came upon the clothing store that has the two headless male mannequins out on the sidewalk. These mannequins are clothed only in men's bikini underwear and mesh shirts so you can see that one of the mannequins is sporting washboard abs. That particular mannequin was enhanced a bit in the nether region, if you know what I mean...SO, as the mother/nanny walks a few steps ahead, I watch as the little girl pulls down the front of the well endowed mannequins underwear to check out his goods! I laughed out loud! She then proceeds to put her hand down the front of his underwear to feel his "package." She gets a good feel and then pulls the underwear back up only to give him another good squeeze on the outside of his underwear. By this time, she should have heard me cracking up! She then walks straight over to the next mannequin and as she passes him, gives his crotch a little squeeze - I guess to compare packages, and kept on walking. The mother/nanny unfortunately didn't get to see any of the groping that she had submitted to the poor mannequin, but I got to and it made me laugh and smile and remind me that curiosity is a wonderful thing. I'm not saying - everyone go out and squeeze a crotch and blame it on curiosity - what I'm asking is, when do we lose our curiosity? When do we allow ourselves to not wonder as much as we used to or just challenge ourselves to just go for it! When does that stop? I have no answer to that but she certainly, in a strange sort of manner, has encouraged me to revisit that childlike curiosity and allow myself to be in those moments more...why not? I might surprise myself and others...and not because I've grabbed their crotch. If the mannequin had a head and a face, he would probably be smiling as much as I am...but for different reasons...: )

Girl Singer...

Last night we had the pleasure of attending the final cabaret performance of the Midwest Cabaret Conference Workshop at Davenports. Our dear friend Judy was a participant in this three day cabaret intensive workshop that culminated in this final performance for the fifteen participants. It was a great opportunity for those that have the desire to develop their performance skills in a cabaret setting and to work with cabaret and Broadway professionals, receiving feedback both great and brutally honest. Judy has really found a new path for herself in this genre. She looked so comfortable in this setting and has never sounded better! I'm so proud and happy for her and I can't wait to see where this takes her.
Judy was the first to perform in what turned out to be about an hour show. Some of the song choices for some of these singers was baffling and some were spot on, but as I sat there listening to the others (which at times was difficult) I kept asking myself, why am I not singing anymore? I have many friends, Judy included, who question the fact that I have not sung in many years. What is my deal anyway? It's hard for me to explain, honestly.
The other day, I was going through a bunch of old cassette tapes that I had found,  many of them unmarked. What I found were some gems! In the bunch were tapes my mother had made of me singing at weddings, or of shows that I had been in where she sat in the audience with a tape recording in her lap. That was my mom! She was incredibly proud of everything I did and wanted to preserve my performances and my singing for her to listen to in the future, which she did. Two of the tapes were rehearsal tapes that I recorded during vocal rehearsals for Dear World and for Penny Serenade and a couple other shows. I would record my part, as many performers now do on digital recorders, so I could rehearse with them at home or in the car. As I pushed play on the boom box I was allowed to hear not only myself but to hear my two mentors, Steven Billig and Etel Billig banter back and forth and tease each other and me during rehearsal. Etel was in the office when Jon wanted to begin working on another song, so hearing Jon yell for Etel brought back so many moments that occurred during my years at the theater. I sat and listened to myself as I teased back with them, as I sang with them and as we all laughed together. It dawned on me...I was happy then. You could hear it in my voice. I was happy. Those people, that moment, those years, that time, the various shows...made me so happy. Don't get me wrong - it's not that I wasn't a happy person in general, I was...for the most part. Anyone that truly knows me, knows that my greatest and most rewarding accomplishment is and always will be my children, the ones I birthed AND the ones I raised. But hearing those tapes reminded me that I am missing a big part of who I am. I can't really say that it was this thing or that thing that caused me to "lose my voice," but it has been a choice. Hearing those tapes and watching my dear friend so happy has made me think...I need to revisit this part of my life and see where the journey takes me. Baby steps but steps do indeed need to be taken.

Ants, black sludge and the like...

The past few days have consisted of fighting the great ant infest of 2012 with gusto and boric acid and ant traps. I cannot think of a time when I have worked so hard to get rid of something and it just won't go away! Typically when I want something to go away, and really put all my energy behind it - it's gone! Not these damn ants! I swear to God that they look at those ant traps and just laugh and give me the finger. I shared that with the guy at the hardware store downstairs and he cracked up! It's sad when you stand in the kitchen with spray in hand just waiting for one of the little buggers to show themselves so you can pounce. Spray and wait and wipe with paper towel...and repeat.
Just when I thought I had hit bottom in the "how I spent my summer days" category, we woke up yesterday to a sink full of black sludge in the kitchen. "Great, just great," I say out loud to my self. I call the landlord...
Me: "Hey Janet! How are you?"
Janet: "Hi Shelley! Actually, I'm doing pretty good today!"
Me: (well I'm about to ruin your day missy) "Well, I'm sorry to say that we have a sink full of black sludge in the kitchen."
Janet: "OH! Well my goodness! Well take all the stuff out of it."
Me: "The stuff from out from under the sink?"
Janet: "no the stuff in the sink."
Me: Oh, okay - but should I go ahead and take the stuff out from under the sink?"
Janet: No, just make sure to take the stuff in the sink out."
Me: "Umm, okay...there's just a couple things in there waiting to be washed...so..."
Janet: "and don't pour any drain cleaner down there - we don't want to ruin the pipes."
Me: "Right - sure! I won't...
Janet: "I'll let Carl know (her husband) and he'll come over and check it out."
Me: "Great! Thanks Janet! See you soon then."
Janet: "yeah, okay hon!"
I walk into the kitchen and take out the empty yogurt container, the ice tea pitcher and the spoon and the bowl I had my morning yogurt in and put them in the dishwasher. Done!
Now...I wait....and wait....and wait...
The landlords came by around four o'clock in the evening and proceeded to take everything out from under the sink...???? unscrewed the elbow pipe and let the sludge (which was by now filled more than half-way in the sink) fall into the blue bucket strategically placed under the sink. All the gunk began pouring out into the bucket. It looks a lot like oil so we joked about the discovery of oil on this here land and that we'll all be rich - until the city finds out and puts an oil tax on us or something.
Anyway - Carl began using the snake thing (technical term) to rout out the pipe. This went on until about Nine in the evening....needless to say, we ordered in from T's across the street because cooking was out of the question. Promises of being back tomorrow and scratching of heads occurred as we said our goodnights.
Fast forward to this morning when I went into the kitchen first thing and there sat about a quarter of water in the sink - but this time it was brown! Which set me into a panic of...uh oh, where is this coming from now? I figured they would be calling and saying - "we're on our way!" So I waited...and waited...and waited...nothing. I walk back into the kitchen and the sink is quickly filling up to the top! I put on the trusty flip-flops and my Sam Adams ball cap and run down to the Aquarium that they own and run. I burst through the doors to see Janet with a customer and Carl in the back with another customer. The store looked great! I hadn't been in there in a while.
Me: "hey you guys - um, the sink is filling up rather quickly and it's on it's way to spilling over..."
Janet: "Oh, i guess we better check on it then..."
Me; "yeah..."
Janet: "Carl is waiting on someone right now..." (Carl walks toward the front of the store) "hey, the sinks filling up, better get up there and see whats going on."
Carl: "yeah, I had a couple of leaks I had to fix here this morning, put out some fires, you know."
Me; well, the sink is about ready to spill over...so..."
Up the stairs we go!
Another day - add the granddaughter - the son-in-law and more opinions of what is happening, coupled with time in the basement digging through all the suspected pipes and it is now eight-thirty in the evening and we hear a bang on the door between the dining room and the kitchen. We walk into the kitchen.
Janet: "I was just getting ready to call you."
Me; "you could've just opened the door"
Janet: "no, I don't open closed doors..."
Me: "....okay...?"
Janet: "well, we're gonna break down and call a plumber. He'll be here in the morning. You gonna be home?"
Me: uh, yeah, I'll be home..."
So..tomorrow I'll be waiting for the plumber to fix the sludge problem. I should ask him if he has any advice on killing ants but one thing I know I'm likely to be doing tomorrow is...waiting and waiting and waiting...sigh.

A Dad...

My Mom and Dad

Fathers Day is approaching and once again I find myself preoccupied with
thoughts of my Dad and that I'll be spending another fathers day without his laugh and his sparkling eyes making everything wrong in this world so much better.
My dad was the most charming man I had ever known. I can see why my mom fell for him. He had a laugh that could make you laugh even if you had no idea what he was laughing about.
My dad encouraged me to always go for what was next with gusto. Even if I had just been promoted or jumped a big hurdle, he would say, "okay, what's next Shell?"
My dad may not have been around much when I was growing up, but he worked hard and I never doubted his love for me.
My dad was an incredibly talented woodworker. I have many items in my home that are reflective of his handiwork. He would get lost in his workshop and we wouldn't see him for hours. He would come into the house smelling of freshly cut wood. When I smell that smell today I think of him.
My dad was a gifted gardner. His tomatoes were some of the biggest and juiciest I've ever had. He grew other vegetables and beautiful flowers in the garden in our backyard.
My dad was a wonderful grandfather to my two step-sons and to my two daughters. He welcomed the boys into his life with open arms and accepted them as his grandsons and loved them as if they were his own flesh and blood. To my girls, the sun rose and set in Grampa, he could do no wrong.
My dad was a die-hard Cubs fan. He taught me a love for baseball and football that I still have today.
My dad suffered through the loss of my older brother when my brother was twenty-one years old. As a young girl I watched my fathers hair turn white over night. Our house was never the same after Rick was killed.
My dad owned a patent for an invention he and another man created for a device in the steel mills. Growing up, I never knew this.
My dad and his brother Clarence Donald, would laugh so loudly at family holidays that we couldn't hear each other talk. I love that.
My dad worked at Marshall Fields as a newlywed while he went to television school here in the city, not far from where I live now. He quit because the stress and exhaustion were killing him and they needed more money.
My dad had aspirations to work in television as a director or producer. He wanted to move to either California or New York but my mom, apparently, didn't want to move. I often wonder what our lives would've been if he had followed his heart.
My dad was my friend and my confidant. I loved him with all his flaws. I loved his fight. I loved the saggy skin under his chin, even though he hated it. I loved him in a ball cap. I loved him in blue jeans. I loved his silly walks. I loved when he would sing and forget the lyrics.  I loved his white hair. I loved that he went to work one day and came back because he forgot his teeth.
 I love how much he loved me.
My dad passed away from lung cancer in 2005. I miss him every moment of every day.
Happy Fathers Day Dad.

The End of an Era

Last night a few of us gathered at Illinois Theater Center in Park Forest, IL, where many of us had spent many years performing. ITC, as it is known, was a small Equity theater in the south suburbs of Chicago. I happened upon it back in 1986 when I was doing a production of The Fantasticks and my co-star and friend Richard told me he was planning on auditioning for a production of Sweeney Todd at this theater. I asked him if I could join him for the audition and grab a ride and the rest, as they say, is history.
I was fortunate to be accepted into this loving, supportive, dysfunctional, rewarding, exhausting, challenging, funny, theater family. After spending the summer of 1986 as the Beggar Woman in Sweeney Todd, I went on to many wonderful and glamourous roles at ITC for the next 20 years. I was fortunate enough to receive my Actors Equity union card from this theater as was my daughter Erin when she and I played mother and daughter in their production of Kander & Ebb's, The Rink. What a joy that was!
Sadly, due to the death of the surviving co-founder, Etel Billig a month or so ago, her family and the theater board have made the difficult decision to close the theater. A place that has been the jumping off point for so many talented and successful performers will no longer produce.
SO, those of us who've been around for many years spent the evening - some spent the last week - cleaning up the theater and pulling out props and furniture and costumes to sell in the estate sale. The theater is in debt and they need to make some money to pay off this debt. We spent a little money too, getting things that would remind us of all those wonderful years.
I am grateful to ITC. Grateful for the opportunities they gave me, the belief they showed in me all those years ago, the guidance that afforded me, the roles they trusted me with and the family I received because of it all. We have family that we are born into - you love them because they are your family - plain and simple, but these are people who came into my life as a result of our sharing something together. We laughed and cried together, as family, we buried our mentors, we've watched our children get married, we've celebrated occasions together - we are a family. A dysfunctional, funny, opinionated and loving family. One that I cannot live without.
The theater may be closed, the curtains may be pulled and the lights are dimmed, but our little theater family will be together for as long as we can - on or off the stage.

I've lost my voice but not my dreams...

I've been super sick with whatever bronchial thing has been going around. I struggled with it about 3 weeks ago and even ended up going to the CVS Minute Clinic to get some antibiotics. I got so involved with and exhausted by the rehearsal process for Annie Jr. at O'Bannon Elementary that I think "it" saw the perfect opportunity to come back and come back it did. I've had a tough time breathing and I barely have a voice. Ugh, it has been so depressing.

I'm finished with the show and now I have more time on my hands to figure out what my next steps are. People have told me that they think it's going to happen for me when I won't be looking for it. I'm hoping they are right. I had a weird dream last night that the board at American Girl voted to bring back the theaters and many of us were hired back. It was such a real and yet terribly weird dream. I remember waking up thinking that it had actually happened. While I would LOVE for something like that to occur, it would most certainly not be the same kind of experience no matter how hard we tried. I loved my job during those years - that kind of job only comes along once in your life. It is going to be hard to find anything that measures up to that experience. But, dreams are dreams and I need to remember that I have new dreams to make.

but for now...I just want some ice cream.

Day of Reflection...

So today seemed to be a day that made us think of our parents quite a bit. We're not sure why but as we were driving along, something would spark a memory and one or both of us would suddenly find out eyes welling up with tears. We're both struggling emotionally and have been for some time. I keep wondering when we will get past this - if ever. Sally was crying because she was hell bent on getting the kitchen dishes cleaned up from the cooking extravaganza from yesterday. All the cleaning of the kitchen reminded her of her mother and the standards her mother instilled in her to get the dishes washed and the kitchen cleaned as soon as possible. It made her miss her mom. She kept thinking how happy her mom would be to know that she has friends who love her and a home she loves and family who adore and love her. It was so important to her that her mom got that. I hope, for Sally's sake that she did.
By the way - dinner was wonderful, the conversation was fun and the company was just lovely. How wonderful to have such dear friends that are willing to leave their comfort zone and come up to the city and spend an evening together. We are lucky people indeed. OH, also I made, for the first time, chocolate crepes with raspberry sauce! Here's the fun part - I put the raspberries in the blender, as directed on the recipe and proceeded to puree them. The instructions were to then pour them in the bowl that contained the corn starch and sugar and mix. As I began to pour, it dribbled off the side of the container and onto the side of the counter. Oops! So, I took it back over to the blender to see if I had loosened the bottom of the blender and that was why it was leaking. Instead what I did was to detach the bottom from the glass container and the raspberry sauce spilled all over the counter! It looked like someone had committed a murder on my kitchen counter! Good thing Susan and Sally was there to salvage what we could of the raspberry sauce - but what a mess it made! It didn't deter me from moving forward with this dessert - so onto the crepes I went, timidly, but determined! I'm so glad I did because they were delicious AND crepes were not as difficult to make as I feared.
Anyway, I digress. I couldn't help today to think about get togethers that my parents might have had with friends. I have little memory of visitors in our home - it was mostly relatives. We enjoy entertaining, I wonder if my parents did.

forever friends...

I'm cleaning the apartment today to prepare for our friends Ken and Susan Bobos coming over for dinner. I'm cooking my new speciality - the chicken and pasta with sun-dried tomatoes - brussel sprouts - mozzarella and tomato and basil on skewers - zucchini parmesan bites - and then I'm going to attempt chocolate crepes with raspberry sauce - what???? It should be a lovely evening, its been a while since they've been up here. Ken's mother passed away last week so I think he needs a diversion. I ended up not being able to go to the wake and funeral because of my sickies. I was out of commission for a while.
Preparing for their arrival is a reminder of how many years we have been friends. I've known Susan since 1981 when we were in a production of Brigadoon together at Main Square park in Highland, IN. I've known Ken since high school and I had a huge crush on him. He ended up marrying my church friend Nancy - but as fate would have it, he eventually ended up with my dear friend Susan after his divorce. She had been divorced for many years. We went through a time period of being separated for whatever reasons but that doesn't matter anymore. We are life-long friends and will always have each others back - no matter what. They are a special couple and no matter how many weeks pass that we aren't in touch, we pick up our conversations as if we just talked an hour ago. They love us and accept us and want to spend time with us. No judgement. You can't ask for better friends than that. I love them both dearly and I'm looking forward to a lively evening of laughter, discussions about people who piss us off and much, much love. Now...back to vacuuming and dusting...

The 84th Annual Oscars!

So last night was the Oscars - the night we wait for all year to see beautiful people, telling beautiful people that they are beautiful and then bestowing awards on them for acting and directing or creating films that make them all look rather ordinary. I love the Oscars. Say what you will about them but to me they are a diversion from the everyday, just like the movies and they allow us ordinary people a moment to revel in their beautiful story telling...or not so beautiful (but those aren't usually recognized)
I thought Billy Crystal was very good and they could go the way of the years of Bob Hope and Johnny Carson and just stick with him for the remainder of his life and I'd be okay with that. Unless he turns into Kirk Douglas and doesn't know when to get off the stage and they have to cut to commercial - then never mind.
I was fortunate enough to see most of the movies nominated so I had what I thought was a smart opinion of the work. Albert Nobbs was meh - The Help was good - Iron Lady was, well Meryl was magnificent - The Artist was just that, artistic and lovely - Moneyball was showing us the side of baseball we don't get to see and I love a good baseball movie. I have not seen War Horse or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close but I will.
But here's the thing that struck me the most - the producers of the telecast were obviously going with a more classic feel to the show. Everything had a reverence to it - an homage to the golden era of Hollywood. Billy Crystal was not too much and wasn't too little. The memoriam was classy and beautiful and oh so touching. I always tear up at the memoriam. So basically, I thought it was a classy presentation - as it should be. Let's put aside our snide comments for one night and enjoy Hollywood in all it's glamour and glitz, just as God intended - at least that's what he said on Twitter.

Beginning Anew

I love writing about things that happened in my life. I've been told that I've lived a lot of different lives and that statement came to me the other day as I was driving. I don't know what, but it did. I dawned on me that there have been a lot of chapters in my life but it is that way for everyone. We all move from one story to another and then another and another...and I need to record all of mine!

Last year was a tough year as I stepped down from my theater educator / director job to take care of my mother as she entered into the last weeks of her life. I've written a lot about my mom on here. She occupied a lot of my life, my thoughts, my days. I loved her very much - although I fear that she never really knew how much I did love her. She drove me crazy and made me laugh all at the same time. Mom entered the hospital at the end of May and never came home. She entered Hospice in July and passed away on August 19th. The night before, I left the nursing home not really knowing that this was it. I remember this same thing happened with Dad. We just don't realize that they are already making their journey. I would've hugged her a little longer and tighter and told her many more times how much I loved her. If we could only know - would we take those opportunities?

This week, my high school friends and I have experienced the loss of a very colorful classmate - Steve Glover, who suffered a massive heart attack and died. We are saddened and shocked by this loss but it again reminded me that we need to make every moment count. Our loved ones are just that - our loved ones. They may not always be lovable, but no one always is, but that should never keep us from making sure that we take the time to make sure those in our lives are aware that they are important to us.

I'm trying to get a grip on my sorrow and celebrate my parents and our family instead of spending my days crying about being an orphan. I'm writing a play about a time in my life and recalling moments with my parents and my brother is both heartwarming and difficult because you can never get those times back. But that's okay - I just hope that my children have the same fond memories of their childhood and their time with me as I have with my parents.