A Dad...

My Mom and Dad

Fathers Day is approaching and once again I find myself preoccupied with
thoughts of my Dad and that I'll be spending another fathers day without his laugh and his sparkling eyes making everything wrong in this world so much better.
My dad was the most charming man I had ever known. I can see why my mom fell for him. He had a laugh that could make you laugh even if you had no idea what he was laughing about.
My dad encouraged me to always go for what was next with gusto. Even if I had just been promoted or jumped a big hurdle, he would say, "okay, what's next Shell?"
My dad may not have been around much when I was growing up, but he worked hard and I never doubted his love for me.
My dad was an incredibly talented woodworker. I have many items in my home that are reflective of his handiwork. He would get lost in his workshop and we wouldn't see him for hours. He would come into the house smelling of freshly cut wood. When I smell that smell today I think of him.
My dad was a gifted gardner. His tomatoes were some of the biggest and juiciest I've ever had. He grew other vegetables and beautiful flowers in the garden in our backyard.
My dad was a wonderful grandfather to my two step-sons and to my two daughters. He welcomed the boys into his life with open arms and accepted them as his grandsons and loved them as if they were his own flesh and blood. To my girls, the sun rose and set in Grampa, he could do no wrong.
My dad was a die-hard Cubs fan. He taught me a love for baseball and football that I still have today.
My dad suffered through the loss of my older brother when my brother was twenty-one years old. As a young girl I watched my fathers hair turn white over night. Our house was never the same after Rick was killed.
My dad owned a patent for an invention he and another man created for a device in the steel mills. Growing up, I never knew this.
My dad and his brother Clarence Donald, would laugh so loudly at family holidays that we couldn't hear each other talk. I love that.
My dad worked at Marshall Fields as a newlywed while he went to television school here in the city, not far from where I live now. He quit because the stress and exhaustion were killing him and they needed more money.
My dad had aspirations to work in television as a director or producer. He wanted to move to either California or New York but my mom, apparently, didn't want to move. I often wonder what our lives would've been if he had followed his heart.
My dad was my friend and my confidant. I loved him with all his flaws. I loved his fight. I loved the saggy skin under his chin, even though he hated it. I loved him in a ball cap. I loved him in blue jeans. I loved his silly walks. I loved when he would sing and forget the lyrics.  I loved his white hair. I loved that he went to work one day and came back because he forgot his teeth.
 I love how much he loved me.
My dad passed away from lung cancer in 2005. I miss him every moment of every day.
Happy Fathers Day Dad.

The End of an Era

Last night a few of us gathered at Illinois Theater Center in Park Forest, IL, where many of us had spent many years performing. ITC, as it is known, was a small Equity theater in the south suburbs of Chicago. I happened upon it back in 1986 when I was doing a production of The Fantasticks and my co-star and friend Richard told me he was planning on auditioning for a production of Sweeney Todd at this theater. I asked him if I could join him for the audition and grab a ride and the rest, as they say, is history.
I was fortunate to be accepted into this loving, supportive, dysfunctional, rewarding, exhausting, challenging, funny, theater family. After spending the summer of 1986 as the Beggar Woman in Sweeney Todd, I went on to many wonderful and glamourous roles at ITC for the next 20 years. I was fortunate enough to receive my Actors Equity union card from this theater as was my daughter Erin when she and I played mother and daughter in their production of Kander & Ebb's, The Rink. What a joy that was!
Sadly, due to the death of the surviving co-founder, Etel Billig a month or so ago, her family and the theater board have made the difficult decision to close the theater. A place that has been the jumping off point for so many talented and successful performers will no longer produce.
SO, those of us who've been around for many years spent the evening - some spent the last week - cleaning up the theater and pulling out props and furniture and costumes to sell in the estate sale. The theater is in debt and they need to make some money to pay off this debt. We spent a little money too, getting things that would remind us of all those wonderful years.
I am grateful to ITC. Grateful for the opportunities they gave me, the belief they showed in me all those years ago, the guidance that afforded me, the roles they trusted me with and the family I received because of it all. We have family that we are born into - you love them because they are your family - plain and simple, but these are people who came into my life as a result of our sharing something together. We laughed and cried together, as family, we buried our mentors, we've watched our children get married, we've celebrated occasions together - we are a family. A dysfunctional, funny, opinionated and loving family. One that I cannot live without.
The theater may be closed, the curtains may be pulled and the lights are dimmed, but our little theater family will be together for as long as we can - on or off the stage.

I've lost my voice but not my dreams...

I've been super sick with whatever bronchial thing has been going around. I struggled with it about 3 weeks ago and even ended up going to the CVS Minute Clinic to get some antibiotics. I got so involved with and exhausted by the rehearsal process for Annie Jr. at O'Bannon Elementary that I think "it" saw the perfect opportunity to come back and come back it did. I've had a tough time breathing and I barely have a voice. Ugh, it has been so depressing.

I'm finished with the show and now I have more time on my hands to figure out what my next steps are. People have told me that they think it's going to happen for me when I won't be looking for it. I'm hoping they are right. I had a weird dream last night that the board at American Girl voted to bring back the theaters and many of us were hired back. It was such a real and yet terribly weird dream. I remember waking up thinking that it had actually happened. While I would LOVE for something like that to occur, it would most certainly not be the same kind of experience no matter how hard we tried. I loved my job during those years - that kind of job only comes along once in your life. It is going to be hard to find anything that measures up to that experience. But, dreams are dreams and I need to remember that I have new dreams to make.

but for now...I just want some ice cream.

Day of Reflection...

So today seemed to be a day that made us think of our parents quite a bit. We're not sure why but as we were driving along, something would spark a memory and one or both of us would suddenly find out eyes welling up with tears. We're both struggling emotionally and have been for some time. I keep wondering when we will get past this - if ever. Sally was crying because she was hell bent on getting the kitchen dishes cleaned up from the cooking extravaganza from yesterday. All the cleaning of the kitchen reminded her of her mother and the standards her mother instilled in her to get the dishes washed and the kitchen cleaned as soon as possible. It made her miss her mom. She kept thinking how happy her mom would be to know that she has friends who love her and a home she loves and family who adore and love her. It was so important to her that her mom got that. I hope, for Sally's sake that she did.
By the way - dinner was wonderful, the conversation was fun and the company was just lovely. How wonderful to have such dear friends that are willing to leave their comfort zone and come up to the city and spend an evening together. We are lucky people indeed. OH, also I made, for the first time, chocolate crepes with raspberry sauce! Here's the fun part - I put the raspberries in the blender, as directed on the recipe and proceeded to puree them. The instructions were to then pour them in the bowl that contained the corn starch and sugar and mix. As I began to pour, it dribbled off the side of the container and onto the side of the counter. Oops! So, I took it back over to the blender to see if I had loosened the bottom of the blender and that was why it was leaking. Instead what I did was to detach the bottom from the glass container and the raspberry sauce spilled all over the counter! It looked like someone had committed a murder on my kitchen counter! Good thing Susan and Sally was there to salvage what we could of the raspberry sauce - but what a mess it made! It didn't deter me from moving forward with this dessert - so onto the crepes I went, timidly, but determined! I'm so glad I did because they were delicious AND crepes were not as difficult to make as I feared.
Anyway, I digress. I couldn't help today to think about get togethers that my parents might have had with friends. I have little memory of visitors in our home - it was mostly relatives. We enjoy entertaining, I wonder if my parents did.

forever friends...

I'm cleaning the apartment today to prepare for our friends Ken and Susan Bobos coming over for dinner. I'm cooking my new speciality - the chicken and pasta with sun-dried tomatoes - brussel sprouts - mozzarella and tomato and basil on skewers - zucchini parmesan bites - and then I'm going to attempt chocolate crepes with raspberry sauce - what???? It should be a lovely evening, its been a while since they've been up here. Ken's mother passed away last week so I think he needs a diversion. I ended up not being able to go to the wake and funeral because of my sickies. I was out of commission for a while.
Preparing for their arrival is a reminder of how many years we have been friends. I've known Susan since 1981 when we were in a production of Brigadoon together at Main Square park in Highland, IN. I've known Ken since high school and I had a huge crush on him. He ended up marrying my church friend Nancy - but as fate would have it, he eventually ended up with my dear friend Susan after his divorce. She had been divorced for many years. We went through a time period of being separated for whatever reasons but that doesn't matter anymore. We are life-long friends and will always have each others back - no matter what. They are a special couple and no matter how many weeks pass that we aren't in touch, we pick up our conversations as if we just talked an hour ago. They love us and accept us and want to spend time with us. No judgement. You can't ask for better friends than that. I love them both dearly and I'm looking forward to a lively evening of laughter, discussions about people who piss us off and much, much love. Now...back to vacuuming and dusting...

The 84th Annual Oscars!

So last night was the Oscars - the night we wait for all year to see beautiful people, telling beautiful people that they are beautiful and then bestowing awards on them for acting and directing or creating films that make them all look rather ordinary. I love the Oscars. Say what you will about them but to me they are a diversion from the everyday, just like the movies and they allow us ordinary people a moment to revel in their beautiful story telling...or not so beautiful (but those aren't usually recognized)
I thought Billy Crystal was very good and they could go the way of the years of Bob Hope and Johnny Carson and just stick with him for the remainder of his life and I'd be okay with that. Unless he turns into Kirk Douglas and doesn't know when to get off the stage and they have to cut to commercial - then never mind.
I was fortunate enough to see most of the movies nominated so I had what I thought was a smart opinion of the work. Albert Nobbs was meh - The Help was good - Iron Lady was, well Meryl was magnificent - The Artist was just that, artistic and lovely - Moneyball was showing us the side of baseball we don't get to see and I love a good baseball movie. I have not seen War Horse or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close but I will.
But here's the thing that struck me the most - the producers of the telecast were obviously going with a more classic feel to the show. Everything had a reverence to it - an homage to the golden era of Hollywood. Billy Crystal was not too much and wasn't too little. The memoriam was classy and beautiful and oh so touching. I always tear up at the memoriam. So basically, I thought it was a classy presentation - as it should be. Let's put aside our snide comments for one night and enjoy Hollywood in all it's glamour and glitz, just as God intended - at least that's what he said on Twitter.

Beginning Anew

I love writing about things that happened in my life. I've been told that I've lived a lot of different lives and that statement came to me the other day as I was driving. I don't know what, but it did. I dawned on me that there have been a lot of chapters in my life but it is that way for everyone. We all move from one story to another and then another and another...and I need to record all of mine!

Last year was a tough year as I stepped down from my theater educator / director job to take care of my mother as she entered into the last weeks of her life. I've written a lot about my mom on here. She occupied a lot of my life, my thoughts, my days. I loved her very much - although I fear that she never really knew how much I did love her. She drove me crazy and made me laugh all at the same time. Mom entered the hospital at the end of May and never came home. She entered Hospice in July and passed away on August 19th. The night before, I left the nursing home not really knowing that this was it. I remember this same thing happened with Dad. We just don't realize that they are already making their journey. I would've hugged her a little longer and tighter and told her many more times how much I loved her. If we could only know - would we take those opportunities?

This week, my high school friends and I have experienced the loss of a very colorful classmate - Steve Glover, who suffered a massive heart attack and died. We are saddened and shocked by this loss but it again reminded me that we need to make every moment count. Our loved ones are just that - our loved ones. They may not always be lovable, but no one always is, but that should never keep us from making sure that we take the time to make sure those in our lives are aware that they are important to us.

I'm trying to get a grip on my sorrow and celebrate my parents and our family instead of spending my days crying about being an orphan. I'm writing a play about a time in my life and recalling moments with my parents and my brother is both heartwarming and difficult because you can never get those times back. But that's okay - I just hope that my children have the same fond memories of their childhood and their time with me as I have with my parents.