One of the movies we saw was Amy Schumers "Trainwreck". Amy is funny and she goes to places with her comedy that can sometimes be jarring and crass but she is real. There is a moment in the movie where she is speaking at her fathers funeral. Now, this is a man that was, for some, not the best person or the best father but her character loved her father dearly. As his daughter, she delivered a eulogy that was honest and touching and again, real. She said things about him that most people would never dane to approach when honoring a dead relative. At one point she asked for those that thought her father was an "asshole" to raise their hands...most of them did. She didn't ask that to be mean, she was being honest and real. Honoring her father in as real of a manner that she could. This led me to reflect on the passing of my own parents and what I could have done differently to honor them either in an eulogy or in how their services were conducted.
Today, four years ago, my mother left this world and my world. While I knew my mother was leaving me, that didn't make the blow any easier. It was a very deep one, one I feel as deeply today. I do believe that I tried to be the best daughter I could have been, but far from perfect. What I do wish I had been better with is her funeral. Grief does many things to you, one of which is it doesn't allow you the clarity to make sound decisions. The movie scene made me think about what I SHOULD have said at my mothers funeral. Mind you, I didn't speak at all. I regret that and it made me think about things I should've said but didn't. So, to honor my mother on this the fourth anniversary of her passing, here are things I should've said to honor my mother...
First and foremost, my mother loved her Lord and her church. Her faith was as important to her as her family and she did her best to live her life as a reflection of her faith. My mother was a christian woman.
My mother had absolutely zero confidence in herself and in her abilities of which were many.
She did not like herself and as a result, lived her life through me and my brother. This drove me crazy and was probably the wedge that was a big part of our relationship.
It made me crazy that she hated herself so much and even crazier that she didn't know how talented she was.
My mother suffered a great loss. Many years later it dawned on me that she was only in her early forties when he was killed. She seemed so much older then. The loss of my only brother at the age of twenty-one changed not only my mother but her relationship with my father and with me. During the weeks she was declining, she asked me if I had had a happy childhood. All I could muster, was "yeah. It was fine Mom". This was clearly important to her that she provided me with a happy childhood. She did. They did. They did the best they could for people who lost a beloved son.
My mother was a wonderful artist. She did not do macrame however. (this is a sarcastic nod to the minister who mentioned her many talents at her funeral and said she did macrame...I wasn't pleased because SHE NEVER DID ANY FREAKIN MACRAME)
She had beautiful handwriting.
She sang tenor in the church choir and really wanted to be brave enough to be a singer. She confided that when she was younger she wanted to be a Big Band Singer.
Mom would have done anything for her grandchildren...anything (probably not murder though).
Dad apparently wanted to move to either Los Angeles or New York City to pursue a career in the new world of television. She wouldn't move because she didn't want to leave her parents. She often wondered what our lives would have been had she given Dad the okay. I can only imagine.
Mom was a beautiful woman. She just never believed it.
Mom warned me often of the dangers of drinking and smoking. She would always say, "I never understood the appeal of pulling smoke into your mouth and blowing it back out". There is a picture of her from the 40's sitting at a table in a club with her girlfriends, a glass of beer in front of her. She would always say that "that wasn't mine! It was there when we sat down!" I just smiled.
My mother was a wonderfully kind woman. She felt things deeply and got hurt easily. I know I hurt her a lot and I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. I was being selfish.
I hope my mother knows how much she was / is loved by me and our family and that we feel her presence everyday in our lives in one way or another. Her influence in our lives, our careers is prevalent in how we conduct ourselves as human beings. Being kind and encouraging is indeed important. Thank you Mom for your influence and teachings in our lives. We would not be who we are today without you. You are loved and missed.
